Wednesday, February 08, 2006

the long road

This is a photo of the wallpaper in my new room, my own space, my office, studio, multimedia room. Took me months to pick the pattern out, lol

I just wanted to say, again, lol, that once I figure out how to do the HTML on the links, I will post them the meantime, here is the link for Judith Heartsong's blog,, where you can both read her wonderful journal, and check out her link list, which has many wonderful jounrnals.
Judith brought up a subject close to my heart today; about how we interact with others, how they see us, how we really feel inside, how we can seem to be one person with some people, another with others.
How I know this well.

When I was a young child, I know (and how this was often criticized) I was very outgoing, spirited & adventureous. Now, I know what a challenge, and what a joy such children can be; in fact, the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" was a godsend to me when I discovered it with my youngest child. Each day was a new adventure; I knew no fear, I would talk to positively anyone. However, my mother, believed in total control & authority over her children.
Everything about me was unacceptable; I was also the oldest daughter, and my brothers birthes had followed in quick succession. My Mom often would say later (and this is one of the only things she said she had regrets about) that she treated me as an adult almost from infancy. I was toilet trained at 1 1/2 yrs old; and even though I don't remember my mother every playing with us; I was expected from an early age to occupy myself, and not to get into trouble doing it. When I had my own children, little wonder I discovered I had no clue as how to play with them.

I was a child starving for attention & affection. When I was little, I was Daddy's girl, however, my mother had a problem with anyone but her being the total center of my fathers world, and my father, starting when I was 5, started beating me. My mother's older sister once told me that my mother & father were two people who never should have had children. And I believe it. My Mother, who was one of 10 children, had always been different from the others, she suffered from emotional problems even then. And she nor my father were ever abused. Yet, together, they went on to have five children, and we three oldest, were beaten at times so very badly. Plus, the emotional abuse. Now I cant say that our whole lives were bad, but I know when I saw other families, I often thought they must be an anomaly.
As I said, my parents, especially my mother, had to have control of almost every second of my life, I wasnt encouraged to have friends over; my mother found fault with all of the friends I had. I was a very socially maladjusted child; I in many ways, just didnt have a clue, and suffered accordingly. It wasnt until later in high school, when I had started working, and coming more into my own, that I started blossoming, and really started forming a lot of friendships.
I wont go into the other abuses that have gone on in my life, I really cant do it in a public journal.
The result being out of all of this, is that my development, as far as personality etc was seriously damaged. As it is with many children of abuse. And if it continues into adulthood, well...
Whereas I used to be such an outgoing, more or less extraverted person, when I crashed and burn a few years back, I found that I really didnt want to deal with the world at all; I was sick of being hurt, if I didnt interact with people, I couldnt be hurt, right?
Ive also always, from my childhood, been extremely artistic, it was never encouraged nor supported. I pretty much buried my artistic side for a very long time. I was in the military, and mostly administrative jobs.
But you cannot deny your true self forever, and as I have found, my artistic soul has been part of my salvation.

Ive discovered that even when I didnt want to deal with the world, I could still explore it, and experience it, through my art, my photography, my music. I started singing again, and even though physical problems have done some damage to my fine motor skills, I can still apply my artistic abilities (as untrained as they are) to a great many things. I may not be able to draw or paint as well as I used to, but I can restore antiques, paint furniture, and find many other uses for my creativity.

What I have also found, is that I really dont have to hide from the world, but, I'm trying very hard to overcome my anxieties about pleasing everyone, feeling as if I have I always have to talk. I like to sit and listen, although, people often ask me if I'm ok, and I find myself feeling awkward, and sometimes, then compensating, wishing as if I'd just not said anything. I dont feel as if I have to control everything, although, I dont like it, when people try to control me or my space. and I feel justified in letting them know.
I have a long way to go; I work towards and eagerly wait for the day when I have no anxiety, a strong sense of self, and well, just peace.
I feel so joyous and peaceful when I have all of my children here, for dinners and holidays, which was one of my dreams; there is no hatred, just a family together in love, celebrating traditions Ive tried so hard (and hubby) to put in place. And thats a great beginning for them, and for us all I think.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Happy February!

What a busy month it's been...a good one basically, with some bumps in the road.

I really thought we'd never get as much done as has been accomplished in our old house. What a jewel our contractor is! The mayor in our town has been recommending our contractor all over, people have been stopping by, upon seeing our new front porch. If it's nice this weekend, the new columns go up & Ive picked out the spindles for the railings. Its all tongue & groove wood; I now have to decide upon a color...

My youngest daughter's bedroom is nearing completion also, we ended up gutting it. It's ready for paint & a new carpet (we will refinish the wood floor when she is grown, she wants carpeting)
Next up is the Kitchen...already a mess, the floor is 40 yrs old, and with all the construction, I'd really given up scrubbing it. The walls already starting to be ripped down. I need to order my new commercial stove (I cook tons!) Maybe I will get back to catering.
So, this old house is moving along...
What's not been good is my neck. The DX is possibly spinal compression, because of the previous cervical surgery, and the collapse that's happened. I walk like a drunk most of the time, and a turn or twist the wrong way can send me to bed with raging pain. I have what seems to be a very sharp, competent ortho surgeon, and hopefully MAYBE, we can resolve a lot of these physical issues.
I was very fortunate to procure a wonderful yardage of black velvet; this will be used for the antique display case we have, and various shadow boxes, used to display some of the many beautiful items we have.
There is a seller on eBay who sells gorgeous fabrics; I also bought a yard of an absolutely beautiful rose printed silk damask, to redo my Grandmother's bench. If anyone is interested, I will email them the seller's ebay link, just drop me a line!
I also bought enough yards of a black/white victorian damask to recover the antique chairs we rescued from someone's trash. They had been refinished black, I will keep them that color. I will take photos of all as I finish them!
Another mysterious dress has shown up in the house; previously, a bridal gown was found in the attic, one of my best friends wore it, it fit her perfectly! (how strange is that!) This is a two piece very fancy black skirt and top, beaded. Neither Hubby nor I have any clue who it belongs to, he doesnt recognize it as being anyone in his family's.
I also have lost 15 lbs in the last two months! Partly because of eating better (I do have my slipups tho) And I think also because of the meds I'm on. I bravely stepped on the scale today, and was very pleasantly suprised.
I hope everyone is getting through the very strange winter we are having (weather wise) Goodwill & peace to all!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Colgate lake in Jewet NY, in the catskills. unretouched.
I have a holiday open house to attend at the drug treatment center where hubby is the president of the board.
I will don my pearls & pumps, along with of course a tailored blazer and skirt (maybe )
Hubby of course is working, so he asked me to go and represent him.
I have no problem going, as the people there are lovely.
And they have a fine facility.
My mixed feelings lie of a more personal nature.
Having to do with a couple of issues; one of which is that hubby swore that he never wanted to be even near that kind of work, and the circumstances surrounding his feelings involved me.
No, I did not have an addiction problem
But a person who threatened my relationship with my husband, did.
A lot of dishonesty, hurt, and to this day, feelings of insecurity having to do with this person still haven't been resolved in our relationship.
I fear this person may show up at this treatment center, thus once again draggin hubby into her sordid affairs. And my insecurities stem from the lack of closure of that relationship, which spilled over onto ours, and at the time, my feelings for him, overtook any common sense, and I tolerated the situation, when I should have walked away.
But, I still feel the great hurt it caused me when it happened, because it called into question the whole basis of our relationship, and hubby has never provided closure for me.
So, here I am, doing the good wife thing, even though I protested him getting involved with this whole thing.
When you truly fall in love with a person, you can sometimes make bad decsision.
I'm hoping counseling helps me to sort these things out, I have to believe in myself, it doesnt matter what another person does. And each time I find strength in my convictions, it gives me a great deal of inner peace.
Something which has always been my goal.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Fret, fret, fret....
And time is going by so fast.
I'm a worrier.
I also tend to be a perfectionist & a procrastinator at the same time, yes, they are linked.
I don't like it when things are out of my realm of control, and oh, they so have been for a while.
I try to adapt, adjust, mellow
It works sometimes.
Except when PMS hits, then all bets are off.
Home renovations, finances, health issues, kids, etc all seem to fall under the category of "not always under my control"
My mother always had to have control
And everything had to be perfect.
I won't go into the other things
I was supposed to be totally in control of myself, whatever I did, pretty much an adult from a very young age.
The elastic only stretches so far, then it snaps.
I'm 42 yrs old, and it seems all I do is try to come to terms.
You cannot control everything & you cannot be controlled forever.
You hope.
Because after so long, it becomes yourself that self imprisons.
And you dream of setting yourself free

Sunday, December 04, 2005

**FIRST SNOW!!****

I feel asleep very early last night (it's only 4;20 am now); just woke up,
and saw my skylight covered with this year's first snow!
I love snow, especially around Christmas.
I don't think it will last until tommorrow night, so I can see everyone's Christmas lights lit up in it, but, I'm sure we will have more.
It looks like our front porch will be done by next weekend, so we can hang our own decorations/lights.
I was well, horrified to see people who had actually hung their Christmas lights before Thanksgiving.tacky, tacky tacky....
With the kids working, I'm trying to schedule our annual cookie baking day. I have much more energy this year then in year's past, the house is already mostly cleaned & ready to decorate, even during all of the renovations.
Time to sit back and enjoy looking at this year's first snow!

Friday, December 02, 2005

I'm still working on photos taken from various trips in the summer & early fall; got our first real taste of winter this week!
Going to have to make the trip up to the mountain house, dreading what we will find. Water pipes have been a continual problem.
And of course, the whole front porch here had to be totally replaced; all the wood was termite damaged...

Dreaming of the day when we can laze our weekends away in beautifully renovated victorian & our wonderful mountain retreat.


The pleasures of seeing something new accomplished is a thrill that never gets old however, something old brought back to life, old treasures rediscovered as new.

We can actually sit in our parlour and not freeze now, the front of the house has been raised, leveled, and insulated, we will actually be cozy at Christmas time this year!

Next year this time, hopefully, we will have all the floors refinished on the first floor, and will be able to see a roaring fire as we eat our holiday meals. (there is a nasty half wall between the dining room & the family room)

The first pic is of my lovely girls on Thanksgiving, my son hates to have his photo snapped. Its rare to have them all in one place nowadays. The two on the left are mine, my stepdaughter is on the right. And they all get along beautifully!! I'm so proud of all of them...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Blessed Thanksgiving

I begin this Thanksgiving morning by baking my second pie, the traditional pumpkin. Yesterday, I made the apple. Alas, I am way behind in all of my preparations; a lot of weakness on the left side of my body has left me very clumsy, tired, and very anxious.
I guess it's time to check back in with my neurologist. And get some more answers. I'm praying & hoping that maybe this is all due to my neck problems, but I don't think so. Whatever it is, it's been progressive, and I don't dare to speculate.

Took our wee girl to the orthodontist last week, dressed very nicely I might add, in anticipation of doing some shopping afterwards. Nothing like stepping out of my red Stealth, dressed in velvet slacks, my new gorgeous red plaid wool jacket, my Harley dress boots, along with one of this year's early Christmas presents from hubby, a Vuitton black epi purse, then falling to the ground, because my left leg suddenly decided not to work. Damn. No dignity, lol...
Fortunately, no one saw me.
I had to spend our wee girls appt sitting in the waiting room; all of a sudden very tired.
At least I looked good when I dropped hahaha.
The cane goes back in the car.
So, ever since then, ive been fighting fatigue, extreme muscle weakness. And I know the neuro will take forever to get me in.

Whatever...dinner will still get on the table today, the house will probably still be messy, but, hell, its great being able to say your renovating!

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving~as always, its not the elaborate preparations we make, but who we share the day with.